Christa Black

As I opened my eyes Saturday morning in a hotel room in Houston, Texas, I heard Father begin whispering to my heart, “Hey girl, instead of turning on the finale of Top Chef that you’d planned on finishing, let’s chat a bit.”

il_340x270.597821508_bzvpKnowing I had been entrusted with the hearts of a room full of women later that morning at the church that brought me in, I quickly shut my computer, pulled my covers up close around my chin, and cuddled in close to the chest of my Father.
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For most of my life as a Christian, I’ve been taught that negative emotions are untrustworthy little critters.  Heck, I’ve even taught that very concept on numerous occasions.

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Crippling, negative feelings like disappointment, anger, unforgiveness, insecurity, sadness…..they should be wrangled to the ground, pushed to the side, ignored, rebuked, and then have the truth declared and beaten over them until something shifts.
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Have you ever felt like your heart wasn’t working exactly as it should be, but you didn’t know how to get it back on track?Screen Shot 2015-02-26 at 2.45.28 PM

On the outside, you seem to be doing okay.  You have the right job, the right family, the right house and church—even the right dog.
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If you’re living in America, you’ve probably been sideswiped with the sexy Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.  Maybe it’s Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 2.05.56 PMbeen during the SuperBowl or during your favorite television show, or potentially playing on the big screen while waiting at the movie theater.  Kudos to their marketing crew because, goodness gracious, everything seems to be drab with Grey these days.
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I was 99% certain that when my doctor did her ultrasound today, we were going to hear the heartbeat of my baby.

But the 20 seconds leading up to the confirmation, you better believe that 1% kicked in, racing my heartbeat as fast as a galloping horse.
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When you meet with doctors, nurses, midwives and doulas about an upcoming pregnancy, the topics lean towards IMG_1791pleasant things—like hearing baby’s heartbeat, seeing the little one kicking and squirming inside, and keeping yourself healthy while growing a person.

But none of my conversations over the years could have remotely prepared me for this past Friday night as I rushed to the emergency room, weeping for the unknown as my womb continued to cramp and release terrifying amounts of blood.
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Heeeeeeey friend! It's 2012.
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