Christa Black

A couple of years ago right before walking out of my chiropractor’s office, I turned around to ask him one last question before leaving.

Screen Shot 2014-08-17 at 11.18.53 PM“Does cell phone radiation effect our bodies?”  My question wasn’t asked for any particular reason, except simple curiosity after hearing a few rumors.
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I looked down at my little Goldie’s birth and death certificate, running my finger over her beautiful name—Luca Gold Gifford.

 

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And all I wanted was to be Luca Gold Gifford’s mommy in front of the entire world.

I sat in my parents living room days after Luca died with my best friend Kelly, talking about this new, deep desire that began emerging the day she went to be with Jesus.
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The first time I read about the capitol of Panem in the popular ‘The Hunger Games’ trilogy, I found it all a bit absurd.

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Rainbow colored hair, extravagant fashion, mass parties, and violent entertainment centered around watching children fight to the death to earn food for their districts.
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http://youtu.be/aCUbvOwwfWM

When you’ve lost a child and science doesn’t know exactly why, you begin to look at your health and your baby-factory-body and start asking some hard questions.

whos_to_blameSome studies say that the neuro tube defect called anencephaly that took my daughter Goldie from this earth might be caused by a lack of folic acid in the first trimester, and since I didn’t really take many prenatals in the first trimester while carrying her, you can imagine the compounding guilt that piled on my heart like hot coals right after she died.
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I’ve hit a rough patch of anger ice in the process of grieving, and my emotions seem to be slippery as I slide wildly all over the place.

Screen Shot 2014-08-03 at 10.27.02 PMOn Friday morning as I sat in the backseat with my son Moses while heading to the airport, he decided it would be a fun game to put as many names together as he could.  After yelling out every name in his little 2-year-old rolodex, he excitedly blurted out his new creation, “Baby Thitthy Goldie Mommy!”

I smiled and laughed, loving that he’s hitting a phase that involves being silly and creative, but as I thought about his words, tears began unexpectedly spilling over the brim of my eyes and down my cheeks.
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For those of you who don’t know William Matthews, you must.

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He’s not only my little brother (clearly, we look identical), but he’s an unbelievable writer, singer, and worship leaders from Bethel church in Redding, California, now living in Los Angeles.
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Heeeeeeey friend! It's 2012.
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